Unleashing Drama

Seems like all I ever do is make one big decision to another. It’s 12.10am and I’m sitting here contemplating my next move. Some days, I wish I was normal. You know what I mean? I wish I was happy where I am and satisfied with the way things are. But, I’m not. There’s always this burning desire to do more and it is from that desire that I have decided to move. More details on this soon.

Today, Selvan decided that we need some time outside the comforts of our home. See, I’m not very adventurous and I don’t like big crowds and noisy places. We went to a private island for our honeymoon cause I cannot tahan touristy places. But today, we went to Colmar Bukit Tinggi and it further reinforced why I hated the outdoors.

Firstly, as we were walking near the swans, I saw this lady twist swan’s neck to make it look at her. I had to do all I can to stop myself from twisting her neck or from screaming. Next, she fed twisties to the swan and made her daughter do the same. I rushed down and Selvan quickly told her, “Jangan bagi makan la”. She looked at us and said, “Oh, tak boleh ke?” Ok, there was a HUGE sign there which said “NO FEEDING” but obviously this person cannot read. Secondly, bodoh tahap apa that will feed twisties to a swan?

Next, I saw a little girl picking up pebbles and scrap food from the ground and feeding the swans. Parents, wth are you doing la? Can’t you tell your children to respect animals sikit? But never mind, if you don’t want to tell then teacher Cheryl will tell. I told her not to feed the swans and she stopped. I then wondered if I could get a part time position at Colmar where I can scold people who do stupid things to the swan.

Then, we walked to the Japanese garden. Selvan and I were trying our best to have a romantic walk except we kept walking into people’s photographs. I mean, seriously? What if I told you that you don’t have to take a picture every millisecond? I reached to a point I was unapologetic and walked straight into their photographs. This couple clad in kimonos made us take their picture TWICE. Sabar je la..

We went home, both agreeing that the comfort of our home is better and that I obviously am hormonal with anger issues now that I am pregnant. But no really..won’t you be angry?

 

9 weeks pregnant is taking a toll on me. Surprisingly, I’m great in the mornings. I can talk, walk, work and eat like a human being. Then at night, I can only take a few bites of food and will spend the rest of it crawled like a baby on the bed. I go from the urge to throw up to the urge to sleep and cry. Most nights I just lie there and pray..please God, just let me get through this.

As I write this, it’s 5.34am and I woke up to finish pending work (it was due last night but what the heck). Since I have to have food all the time, I’m sipping on Vitagen and really feeling normal again. I know now that this is my new normal. The nausea, throwing up, perpetual tiredness (both of my body and soul). Sigh.

All for you tiny human. All for you.

It’s 11.18pm and while Selvan is snoring (in a bit, I’ll give him a kick), I’m catching up on work. I can’t do much in the mornings and afternoons cause I’ll be visiting the toilet or feeling pain. But it’s okay. A few days ago, I couldn’t even work at night..so I’m glad to be able to at least get some things done.

My first book ‘T for Teacher’ is finally ready and now in design stage. I’m so excited to see the end product and of course, hoping people will benefit from it.

Time to start working on my second book as I know the publisher (who might be reading this) is already anxious for it. Sorry, I swear I’m writing every day (or every other day).

Right now, the only superficial concern on my mind is what to wear for the gala premiere of Adiwiraku. I mean, if you know me, I have like five outfits that I repeat and I don’t care much. Clothes are just clothes la to me..but I know I have to make an effort to wear something nice this time. Any suggestions?

It is considered taboo to write about such fragile news at such an early stage, but it is also a shame to leave it undocumented. Unplanned yet welcomed, a tiny being is now in its 7th week of formation. As tiny as a blueberry yet still capable to put me in such discomfort. I go from sleeping 13 hours a day to lying awake at night and troubling poor Selvan.

When we first found out the news, we were both in shock. The surreal knowledge that a tiny being is developing within me drove both of us to tears. It was overwhelming, a feeling I cannot describe Suddenly, everything else paled in comparison to this news. I forgot about work and the usual hullabaloo that’s always in my life and just thought about this tiny being.

For years, I’ve affectionately referred to other people’s children as my kids. It’s finally time for one of my own.

Grow up well my little blueberry. We can’t wait to greet you. Until then, please be a bit kind and spare me the discomfort.

 

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

So, yes..over the past few weeks lots of media outlets have been trying to secure interviews. Some want to talk to me, some the kids, some the actors, producers etc. Just today, one media wanted to interview Sangeeta (the actress who plays me) and me together. That was the first request of this combination and I thought it would be great! Little did I know how difficult it was to sync up my time with hers.

OK, so Sangeeta is a full time celebrity la while I’m just rakyat biasa. Our conversation went something like this:-

Me: Friday morning I got meeting with XXX. Can’t do. How about afternoon?

Sangeeta: Sorry, I’m shooting in Melaka. How about Saturday morning?

Me: Cannot. Teaching the kids at Puchong. Saturday afternoon?

Sangeeta: Got event. Sorry, how about early morning?

Me: Ok, next week la then.

Sangeeta : Shooting in India, sorry. Let’s see what time we can make it on Saturday.

And then, Sangeeta stopped replying my text at like 11.30pm because yes, beauty sleep is important. Damn, no wonder her hair so cantik. I should stop blogging and doing work at this hour and get some sleep as well. But no,  I rakyat biasa..

Why are you reading this? -_-

The past week has been a blurry of interviews and preps for the movie release. I never thought I’d be so heavily involved in the movie but apparently, many media outlets want to hear the story from me. I hate to write this but I must admit, it gets to me..talking about the same story over and over again. At times, it feels as if I have not done anything in my three years except you-know-what. At times, it feels as if I’m beating a dead horse. I feel half-guilty when people congratulate me for the movie, cause to be honest, I only edited the script and gave permission to use my story. I did nothing else. I’m not sure how to react to these praises that are showered so generously on me for something as tiny as helping my kids win a competition.

At times, I even feel like this..this whole movie..is a blessing and a curse. Blessing I say because of the opportunity my students get to act in a movie and be on set. A curse, because everything I do now will pale in comparison to the sekolah kampung teacher one. God knows I’ve moved on since my time in school and have worked on so many other projects in 2016. I have huge plans and projects that I want to work on for 2017 but every where I go, I am almost burdened by the ‘cikgu kampung’ weight.

Some days, I sit in an interview and ask myself wtf am I doing? Why am I talking about something that I have spoken about a million times? Why am I forced to go back in time  again to that single event as if it defines my three years? Why?!

And for the record, I don’t want a cent from the movie. I’ve asked for all my compensation to be directed to the students. So, I’m not doing this for the money. Then what? At times, I tell myself that if the movie does well, then my students will get extra cash for their acting roles. I think of some students who are very poor and who have acted in the movie. God knows I’d love for them to get extra money. And I keep that at the back of my head. That it is for the kids.

Don’t get me wrong..Adiwiraku is very close to my heart. It is my stories immortalize forever. Adiwiraku is my life. But, there’s a small part of me that wishes it will all end soon. I don’t know how to explain this feeling. It’s like..that part of my life is not ended and I can never close the chapters. Whenever someone asks me what is the biggest challenge throughout the three years..sometimes I want to say..this. The fact that nothing I do will ever be as great as this. The fact that I have my name and face tied to an ‘inspirational’ story. It’s almost as if I don’t have the permission to do anything else because it’s done. My story is done. I did well. I wrote about it. It became a movie. How the heck do you top that? I feel like a one hit wonder. Like an artist with one big, great song that people want to listen to over and over again. That artist where everyone ONLY associates with that song..and refuses to let them move on.

I’m still young. I still haven’t completed my PhD. My journey in this education field is still not over. But, how do I move on?

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