Unleashing Drama

As I approach the third trimester of my pregnancy, I’ve become far more zen and less entangled in unnecessary emotions. I spend a lot of time thinking about my baby and the kind of person I want her to be. Throughout my life, I’ve seen a lot of characters, talked to a lot of kids and I kept summarizing all these people/encounters to think what do I want for my baby.

I want her to be kind. Always. Above anything else, I want her to reach out to people in kindness. It doesn’t matter to me what she studies or what she becomes, as long as she is kind.

I want her to be empathetic, not overly empathetic like her mother but empathetic. To know that we are blessed with things we don’t deserve hence we need to reach out and help those in need.

I want her to pick her friends wisely. I hope she understands that you become like the people you spend time with and I hope she has the guts (unlike her mother) to get rid of toxic people sooner rather than later and spend time with those who love, grow and develop her as a person.

I want her to live a meaningful life. That she’ll lie on her deathbed one day with no regrets but a heart full of love and satisfaction that she lived a good life.

Above all, I want her to know that she can always turn to her mum & dad for support. Your mum is always ready to shower you with all the hugs and kisses but your dad is the one to turn to for tough love, he’ll tell you as it is. Either way, we love you very much (your dad ‘kisses’ you every night & morning) and we’ll always love you.

See you in about 10 weeks little one.

During the first three months of my pregnancy, I felt terrible. From the non-stop nausea, to throwing up and completely throwing myself on the bed at every opportunity I got. I hated it and I felt so guilty to hate it. I mean, I love children and I love kids and I wanted to have a child more than anything in this world. It felt almost ungrateful to be feeling such things.

I’m usually a very energetic person. I have infinite amount of energy and can go on for about 24 hours without much sleep. But the first three months drained my energy and it was strange. I wasn’t used to being sick and weak!

It was then that I also decided that I’ll have only one child. I couldn’t imagine going through the first three months again, at any point of my life.

But, as you know, my morning/afternoon/just general sickness eventually stopped at the end of the third month of the pregnancy. I got my energy back and was super semangat to work and go all out again. So yes, maybe the plan of only having one child might change.

But more than that, we had an accident in our family recently and the first thing my parents did was to reach out to the three of us (my siblings). My brother handled the police report part while my sister and I handled the hospital and check up. We worked like a team! Our husbands and my brother’s gf were also on the scene, helping out and making sure everything was okay. We didn’t care of the time, food or the fact that we were all rushing from far off locations — all that mattered was that our family was safe and all in good health.

At that time, none of us thought of calling a friend or a relative, we only thought of each other. And that made me realised how important it was to have siblings. Recent events reminded me that friends, no matter how near and dear, will leave you if you don’t meet their demands. The ‘love’ they show comes with conditions — do this, be this, act this way, name your child this — and I’ll be your friend. Siblings don’t care. They epitiomize unconditional love. Whatever you do, however you mess up, you are still their sibling..and nothing in the world can change that.

I don’t want my child to have no one to turn to in times of trouble. I don’t want her to rely on superficial friends. I want her to have siblings that she can turn to, just like I do when I’m in trouble.

After all, blood runs thicker than water eh?

Many times, we’re guilty of one thing – understanding. I use the term ‘we’ here cause it seems softer that way than to say ‘I’. No matter how similar or in sync we are (or we think we are) with a person, we fail to understand that our life experiences and understanding of the world is different. And because we fail to understand that, we fall out.

Recently, I had a falling out with a good friend. I will not elaborate on details but it made me realise how different we actually were. I thought back about our years of friendship — were we always different or did it suddenly dawn upon us that we actually don’t think/feel/operate the same way?

While a big part of me wanted to save the friendship and go all out, there was a tiny nagging feeling that perhaps, I should just let it go. That as much as I sought to be understood by my friend, I too need to understand that my friend has grown out of this friendship. Call me a sentimental fool, but I’m one of those who would love you forever and dwell on ways to save a friendship. Part of me wanted to pick up the phone and explain myself over and over again. But, the tiny feeling tells me to stop. Our life experiences and the way we view our world is different..and it is that difference that I must understand. We are not made equal. We move on, even from friends who have carved a special place in our hearts.

I never thought I’ll be saying a goodbye that feels like a breakup now that I’m married with a baby on the way, but hey, I never imagined many other things as well. For now, it’s best for me to look forward at what lies ahead. The memories will remain unchanged and I wouldn’t do a thing to try to forget that. Perhaps, this is all for the better.

To be understood, as to understand , To be loved, as to love with all my soul.

For the five people who read my blog, you’ll now know that I’ve left my job at EduNation and I’m starting on a new venture! Actually, to tell you the truth, I’m a penakut. That’s right. I like to take calculated risk and I would never imagine starting something by myself. But, this was an opportunity I couldn’t miss. I was asked to lead a brand new educational initiative in Malaysia! I’m starting everything from zero and building it bit by bit. But, the nicest part about it is that one of the funders decided that I can be a part of their company and work at their office until I’m ready to spread my wings and fly.

What will I be doing? The organisation (Global School Leaders, Malaysia) is focused on training school leaders (pengetua, guru besar, penolong kanan etc) with leadership skills to help them improve school’s overall performance. It’s a two year program and in short, macam a TFM for school principals la.

I’m really excited about it and although I’m four months pregnant (and growing bigger every other day), I’m still keen on seeing this through till the end. I just started a few weeks ago so it’s been a string of writing proposals, meeting potential funders, talking to people and getting advice on how to start up.

The downside to this is that a lot of people think it will be easy for me to do this. I have a movie and a book with my name in it so I should get loads of support. Actually, it doesn’t work that way. Lots of people question how old I am to be training school leaders (because I still look too young, even with a baby bump) and even ask about my qualification. I do have the age and experience to do it, I just don’t look it! Gah!

But it’s okay. I am determined to make this work. As always, I shall repeat my favourite mantra ‘ Sakit itu sementara’ and go to sleep. Wish me luck, won’t you?

My ten free copies of my first ever book arrived today and I felt like crying. Screen Shot 2017-04-28 at 5.23.49 PM.png

Ever since I could remember, I’ve wanted to be a published author. I used to keep journals and write long stories about my life, in hopes of it one day being discovered and then being published. For me, this is a huge achievement because as many of you might know (or not know), I struggle a little with a learning disability. I know, it’s such an irony that an English teacher is a little dyslexic but I struggle to spell certain words (I rely heavily on spell check) and what may come easy for the rest of you (telling the time, differentiating between left & right) is a bit of a struggle for me. But, all of this has never stopped me from writing and using the power of words to share my thoughts and ideas. I know, I’m not the greatest writer in the world but this is an amazing achievement for me.

T for Teacher, for me, is a feat greater than Adiwiraku. While Adiwiraku was just ‘inspired by’ Cheryl Ann Fernando, this book is actually written by me!! If you’re reading it and if you’ve been reading my blogs, you’ll notice that my thoughts are a little scattered. Sometimes, I jump from story to story and then go back to a different story. I like how the editors kept it that way. I like that they didn’t try to edit my personality out of the book and kept it random like me!

T for Teacher is far from perfect but as my first book, I honestly believe it is a very candid reflection of what goes on in the daily life of a teacher. I truly hope you’ll enjoy reading it and God-willingly, I’ll get better at writing when I’m finishing my second book.

Tonight, tonight I cannot sleep! I’m going to hug my book and thank God repeatedly for making this dream a reality.

A few days ago, before I knew the gender of my baby, my cousins and family members told me to ‘make sure it’s a boy’. I ignored a lot of it cause I knew it was beyond my control. I know, my sister has two girls but for Selvan and I, this is our first child and it really didn’t matter if it was a boy or girl. All that mattered was that our child was healthy, and born without any complications.

When we went for the scan and check up, the doctor told us it’s a girl. I wasn’t the least bit disappointed although I knew many in my family would be. I was concentrating and looking at the scan to see if she was okay. The scan showed her tiny toes, tiny fingers, her perfectly straight spine, her brain and heartbeat all perfect. We wanted to cry. How lucky were we to have a baby formed so perfectly without any complications? Even my blood test and all our tests came back with good results. I was well and healthy to carry this child and to give her enough nutrients till she’s out.

What’s important really? The gender or the health of a child? Who cares if it’s a boy or girl? In this time and age, a girl is just as competent (if not slightly more) than a boy. What’s more important is that my child is healthy, happy and is given nothing but the best when she’s out in September.

To my baby girl..just as they did before we knew your gender, throughout your life people are going to make you feel lesser because you’re a girl. They’ll question your ideas and challenge your thoughts because of your gender. I pray and hope you’ll always stand your ground, work hard and remember that you are so much more than the gender you were born into. I know you’ll be a smart girl, ready to take on the world. Your daddy and I can’t wait to hold you in our arms and show you the world.

See you soon baby!

Seems like all I ever do is make one big decision to another. It’s 12.10am and I’m sitting here contemplating my next move. Some days, I wish I was normal. You know what I mean? I wish I was happy where I am and satisfied with the way things are. But, I’m not. There’s always this burning desire to do more and it is from that desire that I have decided to move. More details on this soon.

Today, Selvan decided that we need some time outside the comforts of our home. See, I’m not very adventurous and I don’t like big crowds and noisy places. We went to a private island for our honeymoon cause I cannot tahan touristy places. But today, we went to Colmar Bukit Tinggi and it further reinforced why I hated the outdoors.

Firstly, as we were walking near the swans, I saw this lady twist swan’s neck to make it look at her. I had to do all I can to stop myself from twisting her neck or from screaming. Next, she fed twisties to the swan and made her daughter do the same. I rushed down and Selvan quickly told her, “Jangan bagi makan la”. She looked at us and said, “Oh, tak boleh ke?” Ok, there was a HUGE sign there which said “NO FEEDING” but obviously this person cannot read. Secondly, bodoh tahap apa that will feed twisties to a swan?

Next, I saw a little girl picking up pebbles and scrap food from the ground and feeding the swans. Parents, wth are you doing la? Can’t you tell your children to respect animals sikit? But never mind, if you don’t want to tell then teacher Cheryl will tell. I told her not to feed the swans and she stopped. I then wondered if I could get a part time position at Colmar where I can scold people who do stupid things to the swan.

Then, we walked to the Japanese garden. Selvan and I were trying our best to have a romantic walk except we kept walking into people’s photographs. I mean, seriously? What if I told you that you don’t have to take a picture every millisecond? I reached to a point I was unapologetic and walked straight into their photographs. This couple clad in kimonos made us take their picture TWICE. Sabar je la..

We went home, both agreeing that the comfort of our home is better and that I obviously am hormonal with anger issues now that I am pregnant. But no really..won’t you be angry?

 

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